Last night mum was so worried about the torrential rain and floods on the roads she persuaded me to stay with her the night with the kids. Mike was over the moon as you can imagine and night to himself without and child coughing or screaming!
Before arriving I stopped at the church to put some flowers on dad's grave. It was the first time I could have a chat with him as the previous visits have been in gale force winds and rain. I almost didn't know what to say after Sami's latest discoveries, but I decided I should still mourn him as I would have done before. It's so strange to think of him lying there in a box in the ground. When I turned and walked back to the gate with Freyja, I really wanted to see him there, as he used to walk the dog there every day. The sun was very low and the air was taking the chill of night and the yew trees were gently swaying and whispering. It made me cry.
Staying with mum, it was ok, probably unnecessary, but I feel she needs indulging with company right now. I have to admit feeling a bit creeped out by sleeping in dad's bed by myself, it was like I was insulting his memory somehow and I had to apologise to him in advance (silly I know) I'm glad I did it though as Mike and I will have to sleep there at Christmas time, so I'd rather get the worrying out the way now instead of enduring that then. In a way I was also a little disappointed he didn't visit me in some way, I half expected to see him standing at the end of the bed, or bending over Freyja's cot. I woke this morning to see the big money tree in dad's room had flower buds in it, a sign of promise, as it's only ever flowered once before. This seemed a strangely beautiful and significant discovery.
Today my bad back has returned, making me feel miserable. I just want to get on with life now, without sleepless nights, stressful kids and illnesses.
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