Winter walk

When we arrived home this afternoon, we quickly took the kids out for a walk to get some fresh air after the long drive. The rain has continued to add to our flooded field opposite, I just hope it clears soon as it just can't go on like that. Freyja wasn't too happy as her cough is really bad now and I'm paranoid about her getting cold and it turning to something nasty like a chest infection. So we kept the walk short, but there is something I really love about twilight in winter, thinking everyone is tucked up inside and the countryside itself is sleeping. I was looking at pictures of last spring and can't wait for it to come around again already - that luridly lush green that saturates everything for two months. Sadly this is the time I will think most of dad, as it was his birthday time, but now we will celebrate Freyja's 1st birthday instead. Love to you dad, thinking of you today. x

Trip to Berko

We had a great weekend away, just what I needed actually. My back is much better, the kids have been well behaved and we also had a chance to go out for a drink on Saturday night, what more could I ask for! On Saturday afternoon after driving up, we collected Mike's dad and drove to a village Christmas jumble sale, with a visit from Father Christmas himself (albeit a very young and unconvincing version, although he arrived on a very cute pony and trap). So both Freyja and Hugh received their first 'official' gift from Father Christmas, a box of Maltesers, which it had to be said were mostly devoured by us (guilty, shameful faces). We picked up a load of pressies there too as the lady on the toy stall was virtually throwing them at me for free! A mince pie and cup of tea later, and I'm all set for the festive season to begin.

3 positives

Ok in an attempt to not completely lose the day to chaos and misery, I shall list three positives in my day:

1. Hugh ate loads at lunchtime
2. I read Freyja 3 books in the library
3. I lit the fire

Oh and of course I have written my blog!

Woe is me

Just having one of those days when I feel awful. The kids are ill - they won't stop crying, I'm ill, it's raining, the plug has fallen off the wall in the children's nursery (only after nearly setting alight to one of the pillows) and so has the lock on the gate. Crikey, what next?

Staying with granny

Last night mum was so worried about the torrential rain and floods on the roads she persuaded me to stay with her the night with the kids. Mike was over the moon as you can imagine and night to himself without and child coughing or screaming!

Before arriving I stopped at the church to put some flowers on dad's grave. It was the first time I could have a chat with him as the previous visits have been in gale force winds and rain. I almost didn't know what to say after Sami's latest discoveries, but I decided I should still mourn him as I would have done before. It's so strange to think of him lying there in a box in the ground. When I turned and walked back to the gate with Freyja, I really wanted to see him there, as he used to walk the dog there every day. The sun was very low and the air was taking the chill of night and the yew trees were gently swaying and whispering. It made me cry.

Staying with mum, it was ok, probably unnecessary, but I feel she needs indulging with company right now. I have to admit feeling a bit creeped out by sleeping in dad's bed by myself, it was like I was insulting his memory somehow and I had to apologise to him in advance (silly I know) I'm glad I did it though as Mike and I will have to sleep there at Christmas time, so I'd rather get the worrying out the way now instead of enduring that then. In a way I was also a little disappointed he didn't visit me in some way, I half expected to see him standing at the end of the bed, or bending over Freyja's cot. I woke this morning to see the big money tree in dad's room had flower buds in it, a sign of promise, as it's only ever flowered once before. This seemed a strangely beautiful and significant discovery.

Today my bad back has returned, making me feel miserable. I just want to get on with life now, without sleepless nights, stressful kids and illnesses.

Obituary

Earlier this year, Dad took me aside to show me a newspaper clipping from the Guardian. It was of an obituary of someone with exactly his name, he chuckled and said 'funny isn't it'. Of course I raised an eyebrow and gave a smirk while thinking 'dad you are so obsessed with death it's ridiculous'. Well not so ridiculous, only a strange coincidence. Dad was always a bit of a hypochondriac, probably so much so he could have googled the name to check the symptoms!

Perhaps he had a sense something would happen to him?

For Winter

"When all is safely gathered in, let the winter storms begin."