Finnish teatowel

Merry Christmas

Well here I am at Christmas day, with very mixed emotions, my Freyja's first Christmas, and my first Christmas without dad. I had to say it was quite a strained day, there were no tears, but it was evident the family felt strange in it's new order.

Yesterday I visited dad's grave and placed some flowers there. I met a man who was visiting his late wife, buried just two graves down from dad. We had a chat and it felt reassuring to say things that I feel without fear of upsetting someone, or appearing miserable company. Mum doesn't really talk about dad, she just wants to get on with life and wait for time to disappear under her belt so it becomes easier.

Hugh and Freyja had a great day, full of fabulous presents and fun, for that I'm grateful. Tomorrow we are off to Mike's parents for the next couple of days, I'm looking forward to that as a welcome distraction.

A few days after dying, when driving to see my mum, a white stag jumped out in front of my car. It was absolutely beautiful and so meaningful to me, it was as though dad had sent it to bring me luck. I like this card for that reason

Lovely decorations

I love these sprayed seed heads brought in from the garden, they are made by Elspeth Thompson.

Pants

and these too....for Hugh...

Little shoes

I'm buying these for Freyja just as soon as my money comes through!

Great snowy pics of Tunbridge Wells

 To be found here

Virtual age

I just took an online survey of my 'true' age according to my lifestyle. This is great, I'm now 25!! And I'm due to live to 82, so not bad going! It's certainly cheered me up. Well so long as I lay off the booze, get more fit, drive less......

Erecting the tree and getting festive

I've held off putting up the tree to avoid the kids being bored/used to it before Christmas actually arrives. As we've been spending so much time indoors, we put it up on Friday. Hugh is clearly excited now and knows what is going on so he helped me with some of the decorations. I feel truly ready for Christmas now, I have done pretty much all of my shopping, now I just need to finish some homemade gifts then we can head down to mums on Thursday for the traditional Finnish Christmas celebrations. Yippee!

 

Snowed in

So we finally got snow, and a heap of it too, about 20cms fell in just a few hours on Thursday night. Mike was pretty stranded on Friday, so worked from home. We are basically snowed in now, you can use the roads around here but it's pretty trecherous without a 4x4. I went shopping yesterday, which should have been an hour round trip, took me 3 hours! I got stuck twice trying the get up a hill. It was pretty scary, I was pleased I didn't have the kids in the car, as the prospect of being stranded with them in the middle of knowhere fills me with dread.

Hugh has partially enjoyed the snow, but he doesn't much like wearing gloves so gets cold very quickly, he can muster about 15 mins before complaining. It looks really beautiful everywhere, I have seen so much snow for years, usually it melts straight away.

 

Wintry view

From the kids window, incidently there was ice, yes ice! inside the windows this morning. Got to do something about these windows....

Ice flowers

Something I haven't seen in the UK for a while

Crispness

So it was even crisper this morning, some reports say -7 in the heart of the high weald.

Some lovely pics from my garden

Happy times

When I think back to the summer, everything seemed so gloriously uncomplicated and happy. I had my lovely two children, a boy and a girl; I'd settled back near home so I could see lots of my family after being away for so many years; what could possibly go wrong. Mum was fretful all the time, she kept saying 'everything is going to well, I'm worried something will happen to one of you'. Well she was right huh, and it did, dad died, right out of the blue. For a while after he died I was terrified that everyone around me was suddenly going to die, for no apparent reason. My reasoning was if it could happen to him, why not one of us? He was fit and healthy one day, gone the next, it certainly is a scary prospect. Now I have things more in perspective. The odds were probably stacked against him really, his dad died young, his brother died last year only in his early 70's, but for some reason I thought he would be more like his mum and go on a long time. Shows what we know, we can speculate all we like, but as the old saying goes 'you could get run over by a bus tomorrow' and it's true. So make sure you do everything you want.

I found this picture the other day while going through old records. This was such a happy time for us as a family. Mike and I had just returned from our holiday in France, the weather was fab so we went to watch my nephews play cricket in Buxted, where my dad used to play when we were young. We were all together and it felt like life had gone full circle.

Frosty turn

This morning we woke up to a winter wonderland. It had been a very hard frost, so much so I had to run the car for five minutes just to melt the crystals on the inside of the windscreen, this was only after I had poured boiling water over the door locks to get in! I wanted to take a piccy but I didn't have time so you'll have to make do with the ones I took yesterday on our winter walk down to the river.

Even in the middle of winter you can find a splash of colour:

Sunset over our house (reminds of the original opening sequence of the Snowman):

It was so cold the frost hadn't melted in the shade by late afternoon:

 

Tech panic

Just lately I've been noticing a lot of internet software no longer works with my operating system. I'm using a G5 Power PC with OS 10.3.5, which apparently is majorly out of date now - flash will not download onto  my system anymore. I've googled various options, but it seem there will be no option soon than to buy a new computer *sob* I love my Mac and it's been working so well for years that I don't want to change it, there is nothing wrong with it - I hate been forced into making expensive purchases purely down to merchandisers planned obselescence. I must be getting old and reluctant to move with the times!

Our house

This is our little cottage, second from the right in the terrace. It's compact and Bijou, well actually it's mostly compact and not so bijou, but we do what we can with our resources. I love the way it looks like it's been in that field forever, but it's really just been there a couple of hundred years. A neighbour gave me a census from a hundred years ago, at that time there were 8 people living here, 6 children! I can't believe it. I'm constantly moaning about having no space with two!

Ponsietta

You can't beat a simple Ponsietta and some twinkly lights to get you in the mood - well for Christmas if nothing else!

Growing resemblance?

When Freyja was born there was no noticable resemblance to Hugh. As she grows I think there is a simularity there now.

 

Hugh is really changing at the moment, finally he has started saying 'no' to everything. It's actually quite sweet as he doesn't say it in a determined way, more in a retiring kind of 'please don't argue with me, I just want to' kind of way. Today I said, 'do you want to go to Jumping beans now?' he replies 'no' I said 'what do you want to do then?' he said 'go outside'. Believe me this is real progress in our communication. I took him to Jumping beans anyway. They had a Christmas party, so it turned out to be really good, I'm glad I went as they have broken up now until January.

Hairy nuts

Somethings happened to my nuts!

Christmas wreaths

Tonight Mike is off on his work Christmas 'do' so I had time this evening to knock up a couple of Christmassy wreaths. I plundered the hedges in the back garden. Fortunately this year the holly has berries at the right time, as previous years they've been in their prime in November. The silvery wreath is for our door and the other red one is for dad's grave. Mum will come over to babysit Freyja tomorrow as I'm off to the osteopath about my pelvis, she can take the wreath and put it on his grave over the weekend. I just want to cheer it up a bit as there is a predator eating all our flowers there!

In progress:

I had hydrangeas in my wedding bouquet, I'm still really liking them, I have a few dead head on the bush in my garden, here I have sprayed them a bit silver.

The finished result:

Wreath for dad:

 

Winter walk

When we arrived home this afternoon, we quickly took the kids out for a walk to get some fresh air after the long drive. The rain has continued to add to our flooded field opposite, I just hope it clears soon as it just can't go on like that. Freyja wasn't too happy as her cough is really bad now and I'm paranoid about her getting cold and it turning to something nasty like a chest infection. So we kept the walk short, but there is something I really love about twilight in winter, thinking everyone is tucked up inside and the countryside itself is sleeping. I was looking at pictures of last spring and can't wait for it to come around again already - that luridly lush green that saturates everything for two months. Sadly this is the time I will think most of dad, as it was his birthday time, but now we will celebrate Freyja's 1st birthday instead. Love to you dad, thinking of you today. x

Trip to Berko

We had a great weekend away, just what I needed actually. My back is much better, the kids have been well behaved and we also had a chance to go out for a drink on Saturday night, what more could I ask for! On Saturday afternoon after driving up, we collected Mike's dad and drove to a village Christmas jumble sale, with a visit from Father Christmas himself (albeit a very young and unconvincing version, although he arrived on a very cute pony and trap). So both Freyja and Hugh received their first 'official' gift from Father Christmas, a box of Maltesers, which it had to be said were mostly devoured by us (guilty, shameful faces). We picked up a load of pressies there too as the lady on the toy stall was virtually throwing them at me for free! A mince pie and cup of tea later, and I'm all set for the festive season to begin.

3 positives

Ok in an attempt to not completely lose the day to chaos and misery, I shall list three positives in my day:

1. Hugh ate loads at lunchtime
2. I read Freyja 3 books in the library
3. I lit the fire

Oh and of course I have written my blog!

Woe is me

Just having one of those days when I feel awful. The kids are ill - they won't stop crying, I'm ill, it's raining, the plug has fallen off the wall in the children's nursery (only after nearly setting alight to one of the pillows) and so has the lock on the gate. Crikey, what next?

Staying with granny

Last night mum was so worried about the torrential rain and floods on the roads she persuaded me to stay with her the night with the kids. Mike was over the moon as you can imagine and night to himself without and child coughing or screaming!

Before arriving I stopped at the church to put some flowers on dad's grave. It was the first time I could have a chat with him as the previous visits have been in gale force winds and rain. I almost didn't know what to say after Sami's latest discoveries, but I decided I should still mourn him as I would have done before. It's so strange to think of him lying there in a box in the ground. When I turned and walked back to the gate with Freyja, I really wanted to see him there, as he used to walk the dog there every day. The sun was very low and the air was taking the chill of night and the yew trees were gently swaying and whispering. It made me cry.

Staying with mum, it was ok, probably unnecessary, but I feel she needs indulging with company right now. I have to admit feeling a bit creeped out by sleeping in dad's bed by myself, it was like I was insulting his memory somehow and I had to apologise to him in advance (silly I know) I'm glad I did it though as Mike and I will have to sleep there at Christmas time, so I'd rather get the worrying out the way now instead of enduring that then. In a way I was also a little disappointed he didn't visit me in some way, I half expected to see him standing at the end of the bed, or bending over Freyja's cot. I woke this morning to see the big money tree in dad's room had flower buds in it, a sign of promise, as it's only ever flowered once before. This seemed a strangely beautiful and significant discovery.

Today my bad back has returned, making me feel miserable. I just want to get on with life now, without sleepless nights, stressful kids and illnesses.

Obituary

Earlier this year, Dad took me aside to show me a newspaper clipping from the Guardian. It was of an obituary of someone with exactly his name, he chuckled and said 'funny isn't it'. Of course I raised an eyebrow and gave a smirk while thinking 'dad you are so obsessed with death it's ridiculous'. Well not so ridiculous, only a strange coincidence. Dad was always a bit of a hypochondriac, probably so much so he could have googled the name to check the symptoms!

Perhaps he had a sense something would happen to him?

For Winter

"When all is safely gathered in, let the winter storms begin."